"Insight, foresight, moresight..."

"....the clock on the wall reads a quarter past midnight." 

This DJ Shadow tune is playing in my head as I write this post, fairly melancholy but it still kicks ass. Fitting with my mood today.

Today I remember my father who was taken from us far too soon. #FUCKCANCER

I rejoice in the joyful memories of my time with him, and I mourn the loss of memories we won't be able to share. Like the song "Alive" by Pearl Jam, I didn't get a chance to really know my father before he died. I regret missed opportunities and not having been able to see through the lies I was fed whilst growing up.

I try and be a father to my children that I believe he would have wanted to be to my brothers and I, and I try and live up to being the man he was as told by everyone that knew him. I'm told he would be proud of us all and I do believe that. I hope to be able to forgive those responsible for the five thousand miles and walls placed between us, like he had before he died. He was so strong, so loving and I pray for those qualities in my life too. #MYHERO

Tomorrow I will be attending the CPO Pinning Ceremony for my brother - Chief Information Systems Technician Keith Boswell.

I couldn't be prouder of him and his outstanding achievements in the US Navy, despite growing up with the same childhood I did his dedication to family and work is inspiring. He is a loving Father,  Husband and Brother. I hope that this goes someway to letting him know my feelings, as I have sucked pretty bad at expressing them down the years.

He is also pretty good at DJ Hero and I look forward to the scratch battle at the celebration BBQ he is having this weekend.

He may not forgive me for that photo, although it is the official one used in the US Navy press release. To me he is still my little brother, despite being a tank of a man and he more than matches my mental badass-ness with physical badass-ness.

I am very fortunate to have two amazing brothers. Our relationship as adults has become very close and I cannot leave out my youngest brother from this post.

Now seven months into being a Father he is on the journey the three of us have readied ourselves for all of our life. I promise you he is every bit as determined to be as great a Father as any of us, possibly even more so. He could give himself less of a hard time and I hope to help him with that along the way. I can't wait to see him at Christmas and meet my niece.

And with that I will finish this post. I hope it comes across with the pride and emotion I intend it to. Ten years past and I can't say things get easier, but I have grown stronger and more understanding. Forgiveness is some ways off yet but will come because I can't be as good as my hero if I hold onto the hurt and anger. Peace.